Read Part One Here
By Early July 2017 I found out I was pregnant with Baby Number 2 are our focus became on preparing for him and on March 8th, 2018 he was born. Technically, we still could plan a wedding for our original August 11th, 2018 date but we would really have to compromise a lot and we only ever discussed it vaguely. From time to time looking at venues etc.
In June, we really started to talk about planning for a wedding in 2019, maybe and we really started considering looking at wedding venues out of state, or even out of the country, and weighing the pros and cons of each experience.
This is where I think it is a good time to confess something. An insecurity of mine, but not just an insecurity but almost a fact that had been proven and shown in ways to me time after time. Nobody cared/cares if Andrew and I got married. Nobody really ever asked when it was going to happen, nobody was super excited when we got engaged, nobody offered to throw us an engagement party and mostly, every time I even attempted to discuss wedding planning and discuss how it was hard for us to have a wedding due to our large party size and how expensive it was in this area. I was met with disinterest, or straight up discouragement.
- “Why don’t you just elope?”
- “You can just have it at a park?”
- “You don’t NEED to have a big party”
- “Why don’t you just have it in your backyard”
- “Just have a potluck”
- “A Wedding is just about you two, getting married.. not a party”
- “Oh, if you have it there/then. We definitely won’t go”
Hearing these things was not only frustrating but super saddening. Especially, since a lot of these people, were people who had big beautiful weddings themselves. I couldn’t help but hear ” you are not worth it, we do not care about you”, “we can have a nice wedding but YOU can’t” and “You are being unrealistic” every time someone said something to that affect. I mean honestly I can think of only 2, maybe 3 people who have spoken in a positive manner about our wedding. With all of this going on in my head wedding planning became a very sad experience for me (and I LOVE event planning) but every time I attempted to begin planning our wedding again, I would get severe anxiety and usually end up bawling my eyes out. On several occasions telling Andrew “I must have been a shitty person in my past life.” (I’m not saying I’m an amazing person, but i think i am overall a decently good person and friend) and yet, I felt like NOBODY… family or friends cared at all about me and kind of made me not want to have a wedding anymore, but Andrew still did. So keep all this in mind as I continue on with our story.
Come end of June/July one of my closest friends got engaged. And to make this very clear I am OVER THE MOON excited and happy for her and her fiance but I watched people who showed little interest in my wedding planning process become super excited and interested in hers and obviously, I felt a small pang of sadness and jealously again. Soon after she announced that they had books their wedding for Fall of 2019 out of state. (They live out of state though). And I watch people become super excited for an out of the state wedding. This gave me some hope that maybe Andrew and I could also have a “destination” wedding. And obviously, I was a little sad that her wedding would be in 2019, because I knew that we couldn’t plan ours for 2019. I mean we could have (and she even said we could) but I didn’t want to take away from her time as a bride to be, and since our bridal party would be virtually the same, I didn’t want to also stress them out and honestly, I knew if they had to pick between us. They would choose her.
So, 2019 rolls around and Andrew and I finally had gotten to a good place with wedding planning again. I started to be a little more excited and Andrew and I decided on a possible date of August 2nd, 2020 (which is the day we started dating). We started looking around again for venues and keeping ALL options open. I had found several locations I was interested Beringer Vineyard in St.Helena, Castle Green In Pasadena, we were even considering Kohl Mansion again, Thornwood Castle in Washington and I had stumbled across Boone Hall Plantation in South Carolina (That I became kind of obsessed with, but Andrew just wasn’t sure about). We looked at Italy, Scotland, and France. But the problem looking out of state and even out of country is Andrew and I didn’t know where to start. We only lived in California so we really didn’t have any connection to anywhere else (besides Idaho and I didn’t find a venue I loved). But we were open to looking.
Then came Superbowl Sunday. The day that changed everything really. Andrew and I went to Beringer Vineyard. The boys each went to a grandparents and Andrew and I drive the hour and half to Napa Valley. The day was magical. We toured the venue, drank LOTS of wine, had lunch a fun restaurant (Which has the best fried potatoes EVER) and even went and looked at investment properties. It was much needed couple time for us. We even got home just in time for a Super Bowl party.
I won’t go into details of what happened as it is still raw and personal. But is was pretty much very similar to the previous discouraging sentiments above and ended with me running out of the party in tears. I spent most of that night bawling. I was completely deflated. Andrew tried to be supportive but I couldn’t see a silver lining. Again, I was proven correct. No one cared about us.
The next morning, I woke up with a new sense of self and I told Andrew. Screw it. We are going to have a wedding. We are going to find a location wherever it is and I don’t care anymore who decides to go. EVERYONE was being so negative about the experience and had ruined what was suppose to be a happy time for me. So, I’m done trying to plan around what will be most convenient for everyone else. Andrew was hesitant but saw my point. With that I have one more condition. We are going to be hiring a wedding planner. Someone who will know my vision and work with me but essentially do it all, cause I couldn’t stand to look at one more venue, vendor, anything wedding related anymore. Andrew, agreed and I began my research and I sent out several e-mails to wedding planners all over the US, scheduled interviews and began the wedding planning process for 2020 with a very renewed sense of hope.